The Nihilists (Ronnie Johns Half Hour)

(Three Nihilists dressed in black, standing around in locker room. Simon has just stepped out of the shower in a towel,Sigmund is closing locker door after just getting changed. Gretchen is tying up shoelaces on the bench)
Sigmund: You know its hard being depressed all the time, Knowing that your existence is meaningless.

Simon: And that destruction is inevitable is a tough burden to bear.

Sigmund: Being burdened with the job of informing the rest of the world of the truth of their existence can frankly be overwhelming

Gretchen: But now there’s new formula3rd degree shampoo

Simon: Other shampoo’s leave you with too much air in your hair, with bounce and life.

Sigmund: But 3rd-degree lifeless shampoo will leave your hair weak, rough and floppy. So it sits across your forehead and eyes and says “hey world I really have given up, and I’ve really let myself go.”

Gretchen: Many shampoos contain vitamins, jinko and jahoba. 3rd degree shampoo doesn’t…

Sigmund: That’s because it’s empty, like the void that is my life. (turning bottle upside down). That’s the secret to lifeless hair.

Simon: Also from the 3rd degree institute is new formula two 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner.

Gretchen: That’s a whole lot of nothing. (turning two empty bottles upside down)

Sigmund: 3rd degree lifeless Shampoo and new 2-in-1 lifeless shampoo and conditioner because your not worth it. And neither is life.